My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
