I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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