I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
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there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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