In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
