I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Reggie can tackle my bush.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
