When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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