I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
then he tried to convert me to islam
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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