i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
