I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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