look no pants
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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