my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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