I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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