I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
