dude i'm inner monologue high
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
