Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
We left an ass print on the piano.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
