Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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