my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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