i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
