last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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