Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I can't turn off my feet"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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