I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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