I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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