I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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