I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
