im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
