I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
