His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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