you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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