i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
