When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.