I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
