why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
