Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
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Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
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Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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