First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
