Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
