I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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