you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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