i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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