Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
