just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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