is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Even the bartender felt bad for me
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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