Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
