Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
