Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
