Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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