she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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