I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
