I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
