chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
