Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
