Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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