if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
